Chicago Psychotherapist and Counselor

As a Chicago therapist, I have worked with a number of men questioning their sexuality. They are having sexual feelings towards both men and women and are having difficulties identifying themselves as gay, or straight or bisexual. Usually, but not always, it’s a case of someone who has thought of himself as straight, but finds that he is having sexual fantasies about men as well. Often he has fantasies of having sex with guys. Maybe his head turns when he sees a handsome guy walking down the street, or he is watching porn and is turned on by the men as well as the woman. The confusion is that he is also having fantasies of sex with women as well, maybe he has  a girlfriend with whom he loves having sex, or with a number of women; in other words, he has sexual feelings towards women.

 Then, often, he wants to pigeonhole himself: I must be gay, because I like guys, maybe I’m bi, no I’m straight because I still want to be with women. Definitions allow us to place ourselves, to give ourselves identity, but they can also make it even mor confusing.  In my practice as a Chicago therapist, I often hear clients who are questioning say, “if I knew I was gay, it would be so much easier. I would know who I am and get on with it.”

An added problem is that our society doesn’t believe you can be attracted to both men and women. If you like men, you must be gay. If you like women, you must be straight. The truth is you can be both. One of the reasons for confusion is because men who like both men and women see themselves as if they are half gay and half straight; as if a line could be drawn down the middle and when they are attracted to a man that’s their gay side coming out, or if to a women, they are now straight. It’s not that simple and goes against the truth. You can want to be with a man or with a woman, and you’re still the same person.

My advice to someone who is questioning is “take it slow.” You don’t need to define yourself until you know what you really want. It may take a little while or a long time. But just be patient and be who you are: a guy who likes women and men. Don’t jump into bed with a man just to test yourself. Don’t be seduced by someone with whom you’ve confided if his agenda is just do have sex. Wait until you are ready. It may help to find a support group for bisexuals or men who are questioning so you can be with people who know what it’s like to be attracted to both men and women. A coming out support group might help if there will be other men with the same issues and if the leader understands that questioning does not mean that you are gay and just need to accept yourself; that helps you explore your sexuality without necessarily coming to a conclusion.

And, finally, realize that you need don’t need to see yourself as either gay or straight, you just need to be yourself..

Richard Gleiner, LCSW,is a Chicago Therapist,  who provides therapy relating to men and sexuality, including issues of sexuality and sexual orientation for gay, straight, bisexual, and questioning men. He may be reached at www.chicago-therapist.com

Monday, November 30, 2009

Fathers and Sons, Good Fathers, Michael Lewis

I just finished reading Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood by Michael Lewis, a very touching and funny book based on a journal he kept during the birth and childhood of his two daughters and son. He begins the book with a story about his father and himself. While his father watched him try to dress his six-month old, his father said, “I didn’t even talk to you until you went away to college. Your mother did all the dirty work.” Apparently this was no exaggeration. His father, whom he describes as a great dad in actuality, really never did any of the “dirty work.”

What’s striking about Lewis’s book is how inadequate he feels compared to his wife in being able to tend to his children. He can’t dress his daughter sylishly for nursery school;  he’s too easy in indulging his children to get them to behave;  he can’t comfort a sick child as well as his wife. But I want to make the point that fathers need to feel proud of what they do – or can do if they’re not doing it already – as fathers.

The fact that he dressed his little girl gave her the sense that her dad took an interest, that he was available. Lewis – in a very humorously written, but poignant anecdote – spent days sleeping in the hospital room with his baby son when the baby was very sick with a lung infection. When countless residents, nurses, orderlies, and janitors  kept barging in and waking the baby for no reason, Lewis tapes a do not disturb sign on the door, leans a chair up against it, and defends his baby against any and all intruders. That’s being a great dad.

When his daughters are furious because of their baby brother’s birth, Lewis is able to withstand their rage and let them feel ok with it. He sets boundaries when they need them. You can tell from the adventures he takes them on (a father-children camping trip, a visit to a racetrack) that they will remember a father who spent quality time with them. He constantly shows them how much he loves them.

Richard Gleiner, LCSW, is a Chicago Therapist,  providing therapy on men’s issues including father issues, fathers and sons, fathers and divorce and men in divorce therapy. He may be reached at chicago-therapist.com

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