Monday, November 30, 2009
Fathers and Sons, Good Fathers, Michael Lewis
I just finished reading Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood by Michael Lewis, a very touching and funny book based on a journal he kept during the birth and childhood of his two daughters and son. He begins the book with a story about his father and himself. While his father watched him try to dress his six-month old, his father said, “I didn’t even talk to you until you went away to college. Your mother did all the dirty work.” Apparently this was no exaggeration. His father, whom he describes as a great dad in actuality, really never did any of the “dirty work.”
What’s striking about Lewis’s book is how inadequate he feels compared to his wife in being able to tend to his children. He can’t dress his daughter sylishly for nursery school; he’s too easy in indulging his children to get them to behave; he can’t comfort a sick child as well as his wife. But I want to make the point that fathers need to feel proud of what they do – or can do if they’re not doing it already – as fathers.
The fact that he dressed his little girl gave her the sense that her dad took an interest, that he was available. Lewis – in a very humorously written, but poignant anecdote – spent days sleeping in the hospital room with his baby son when the baby was very sick with a lung infection. When countless residents, nurses, orderlies, and janitors kept barging in and waking the baby for no reason, Lewis tapes a do not disturb sign on the door, leans a chair up against it, and defends his baby against any and all intruders. That’s being a great dad.
When his daughters are furious because of their baby brother’s birth, Lewis is able to withstand their rage and let them feel ok with it. He sets boundaries when they need them. You can tell from the adventures he takes them on (a father-children camping trip, a visit to a racetrack) that they will remember a father who spent quality time with them. He constantly shows them how much he loves them.
Richard Gleiner, LCSW, is a Chicago Therapist, providing therapy on men’s issues including father issues, fathers and sons, fathers and divorce and men in divorce therapy. He may be reached at chicago-therapist.com
Very interesting post, Richard. As a father, I frequently feel inadequate. But over time, these feelings ended up being unfounded. When I look back at the differences in the relationship with my daughters and my son, I think I hold my son to a higher standard (wanting him to be more career-oriented with greater self-motivation to produce). I wonder if other dad also are concerned they treat their male/female children differently. Cheers!